3. Be competent
Charm is a great power, but even the brightest charisma cannot replace specific knowledge. Whatever the topic is - whether it's discussing an upcoming renovation with your husband or talking with your boss about increasing your salary - you should be armed to the teeth with information. Consider that every conversation is a chess game in which you can improvise, but this improvisation must be carefully prepared. Collect data, read expert opinions on the Internet, compare the pros and cons. If you understand that the debate is going to be intense, think about what arguments you will face, what questions they might ask you, and prepare convincing answers to them. Your arsenal must certainly include numbers (although you should use them in moderation) and references to experts - both will add persuasiveness to your speech, and to you - competence in the eyes of your interlocutor.
4. Speak well
5. Be brief
This advice is especially relevant for women - men, as a rule, are inferior to us in verbosity. It’s interesting that linguists apply the term “Chekhov’s style” to men’s speech characteristics: men really speak more concisely and succinctly, without their thoughts spreading out; while the female prerogative is the “Tolstoy style”: cumbersome designs, seasoned with numerous repetitions and comparisons. If at school this difference turns out to be to our advantage - thanks to the “Tolstoy style” we write multi-page essays - then in adult life it rather hinders us; The skill of speaking briefly and to the point turns out to be much more useful. To learn brevity, try this exercise. Prepare a speech (this could be arguments in favor of increasing your salary or a speech during a presentation), read it out loud, record yourself on a voice recorder, and after listening to what happened, make changes to make the text more concise and pleasant to the ear. Do this before every important conversation - and brevity will gradually become your habit.
“She treats her work conscientiously, is demanding of herself and her fellow workers, for which she does not enjoy respect in the team...”
From the characteristics
It's great when your opinion is taken into account! It's nice to influence what's happening around you with just one word. It pleases the eye when, thanks to your words, the world changes for the better. All this flatters and increases self-esteem. Of course, it’s not such an important task, but it’s still nice. Moreover, in most cases this does not happen often. And I would like to - always.
Some of the actions of your friends bother you and you still don’t know how to say this tactfully? More precisely, you have already tried to express your opinion to them, but ran into counter-aggression. Or a cold wall of rejection and misunderstanding. Of course, they also do things that are very nice for you! But too rare? They just don’t realize that you need it, and ask them yourself... You don’t realize. Or you don't know how.
Because not everyone knows how to give people feedback yet. Really high-quality feedback you can follow. The skill of giving high quality feedback It really comes in handy in life. Besides everything, it helps a lot with your studies - both in studying and in teaching. When we learn on our own, we collect feedback from the outside world. When we teach, we need to connect with students and make it easier for them to learn new material.
Unfortunately, this happens much less often in life than we would like.
The teacher asks the students:
- Stand up if you think you're stupid.
After a long pause, Vovochka stood up.
- Do you really think you're stupid?
- Well, not quite. It’s just somehow inconvenient that you’re standing alone.
You can imagine what the class’s attitude towards such a teacher will be like now! The communication style suggested below will allow you to establish more constructive relationships with your students.
In fact, you already know how to give quality feedback. At least a lot of words were spent on it. This skill combines many elements of NLP communication that are already familiar to us.
Flight attendant on board the newest superliner:
Ladies and Gentlemen! We welcome you, our first passengers. At your service on the first floor of the ship is a swimming pool and tennis courts, on the second - a library, on the third - a cinema hall, on the fourth - a disco. Now fasten your seat belts and we'll try to take off with all this garbage.
In a sense, this is a repetition and consolidation of what has been learned. Literally a list: rapport, reframings, well-formulated results, positions of perception, association-dissociation, basic presuppositions... There is almost everything that is written about in this book, and a lot of what others write about.
They all mutually support, complement and strengthen each other. This is already a single alloy from which the foundation of effective communication can be cast.
Feedback quality criteria.
As a general background, let’s “put out of the brackets” your own resource state and what you have already installed rapport with your interlocutor. In fact, what quality of work can we talk about if you are annoyed or, on the contrary, embarrassed? Who will want to do business with you if you have not taken care of trust and exude hostility?
A wolf, a hare and a tortoise are drinking. As popular wisdom says: “No matter how much vodka you take, you still need to send messengers three times!” They sent a turtle. Two hours passed - no turtle, no vodka. The wolf is angry:
- I would have brought it a long time ago!
Hare:
- Me too!
The door opens and a turtle’s head appears in the doorway:
- If you swear, I won’t go anywhere!
Therefore, your general resource personal state and preliminary attunement to your interlocutor is like personal hygiene. They are supported whenever possible. I hope that these words are unnecessary, and you are already accustomed to starting communication with rapport and have learned to manage your mood.
On the question of the general attitude: you should proceed from what you will give information, not directions. It is taken into account and considered. No one is obligated to follow your advice or accept it at all. You have no right to demand anything. Another thing is that, as a rule, the information turns out to be really valuable and is received with gratitude.
I would like to especially note that the criteria given below in no particular order high quality feedback must be present in your speech simultaneously. At least, unless the sequence is explicitly stated. At first it may seem unusual and even difficult, but the second time everyone does it much better. I hope that you already master at least some of the skills that make up these criteria as naturally as you do reading.
Start with this now it turns out Fine. Say what would be great to keep, and by talking about the positives, you reinforce them even more.
Only after this can we begin to say that it is worth add, to make it work better. Please note: at each moment of the conversation we focus only on good!
- Darling, did you enjoy your lunch?
- The salt was excellent! It's just a pity that you didn't pour more soup.
Speak as much as possible specifically and only about what is possible see,hear or feel. That is, about what you can do yourself show, tell And do.
Tell us about actions and avoid any ratings. Because a person does It is unlikely that you will be able to judge his abilities, intentions, values... All this lies in the sphere of your guesses and Not is useful information for him.
Use in your speech pasttime, talk about what was. Leave the future and present to his discretion - you say about the past and all your verbs in the past time.
Get out to the third position of perception. Talk about yourself and him in the third person. This will help remove emotionality and leave dry facts.
Focus on what your opinion is subjectively and you too you may be wrong, so it’s still up to him to decide.
Finishing touch. If appropriate (for example, when you are a teacher), let your interlocutor first myself will say everything He thinks about this. He may have many great ideas that already match yours. Great - less work for you!
Any list? Yes, NLP has indeed provided many tools for improving feedback. You just need to understand them a little and you can start using them. It doesn’t matter if not all points are successful yet! Even a few of them will greatly enhance the packaging of your feedback.
In the meantime, here is a real example of integrating all the above criteria in your own speech.
Success in the lives of each of us is often dictated by the ability to conduct a conversation: listen and speak. While the most diligent of us can boast of the ability to listen, the ability to speak is often much more difficult. How to speak so that you are listened to and heard?
Larry King, the famous American TV presenter, knows well how to juggle his voice and the attention of his listeners. He is confident that starting a conversation and maintaining a conversation correctly is easy to learn. Larry advises to start by simply remembering 13 important rules.
1. Talk- this is the same process as driving a car or playing golf - you need to learn it. Consistency of practice works wonders.
2 . If in doubt, it is better to remain silent. This may raise suspicions of stupidity, but it is better than immediately dispelling all doubts in this regard.
3. Talk out loud to yourself. Use every opportunity for this. This way you train not only your voice, but also intonation and tempo. Larry admits that often, out of the blue, he can say some kind of lead-in to a program or just a line. The effect of spontaneity is also important, as it will teach the response reaction.
6. Fashionable jargons, terms and other slang They will make your speech interesting for 5 minutes, but then the interlocutor will get tired and simply refuse to make an effort to understand you. Remember this.
7. To achieve frankness and sincerity from your interlocutor you have to be frank and sincere yourself.
8. One of the main secrets is ability to ask questions. King admits that he is extremely curious and constantly asks questions no matter what he does. My favorite is “why?”
9. Remember that everyone is, first of all, ordinary people. This means that you shouldn’t knock your knees because there’s a titled/famous person in front of you.
11. Successful people know how to talk. This is also true in reverse: speaking well will make you successful. If you are successful, you will become even more popular by learning to speak better.
13. Remember that a bad interlocutor can become good, and a good one can become even better!Do you want to be listened to? Make the right decisions. People will benefit from listening to you.
Internal dialogue of a dissenter
– Is it possible without decisions? So that everyone will immediately obey.
– (the questioner’s brain answers) It’s possible. To the police, to inspectors, or to direct cars to the parking lot.
- No, well, it’s not prestigious, but are there other ways?
- Eat. Have you thought about taking a hypnosis course? You speak, and they simply obey you.
- No, I don’t believe in that.
(the subconscious assents: “Even he doesn’t believe this.”)
- There is one method. You will have to work on yourself, but the results are true.
- Come on, brain, tell me!
- ABOUT! Just what I need! I speak, and everyone listens. This is for me!
Well, ideas are coming to me today! I'm on a roll! I'll say it out loud to train...
Half a Year Later
– I won’t talk to the brain anymore! I was offended. He deceived me last time. Hmm, it’s a pity, I should have gone to the police. Or, at least, learn to make the right decisions.
But in vain I was offended. After all, he started to do everything correctly - he made a mistake, corrected himself. So the right decisions are not far away. All growth occurs on spilled milk; it contains the most “information calories.” You just have to make mistakes and correct yourself faster, faster.
Choose a podium and pose
Remember that there must be a distance between you and the audience (regardless of their mood and gender). “Choose a place so that you are separated from the audience by at least one and a half meters - so at first glance it will be clear who is speaking and who is listening,” the expert tries to climb onto the windowsill. Determine the pose in which you will feel confident here, now, and even in these tight trousers. “If you want to put your hand in your pocket, go ahead, it’s okay. You can leave the other one outside to use gestures to point in the right direction, for example towards a bright future,” Karsten shares his favorite pose.
Arm yourself
An oblong object in your hand (a pointer, a marker, a wrench) will evoke associations with male power for romantically minded listeners, and for everyone else - with a school teacher. In any case, they will want to listen to you.
Capture the audience's attention
If you haven’t figured out what to talk about yet, drop your chair or take a long pause. Even the busiest ones will look away from their work and look in your direction: “Why did this guy jump up and be silent?”
Keep it short
“The shorter the sentences, the easier they are to understand.” Never go into lengthy explanations in the middle of a speech. Even if a girl asked the question and especially if you know the answer. All comments - later, when they listen to you!
Use the present
The most blatant nonsense can be made believable if you say it in the present tense. Yes, you heard it yourself: “The order to abandon foot wraps, front sights and sword belts is on the table in the relevant authorities” or “Our army is going to abandon foot wraps and other relics of the past.”
When starting a monologue, do not try to shout over the crowd. It's useless. It is better to silently wait for the moment when the listeners calm down. If you are already speaking, and those around you suddenly start going about their own business, highlight a particularly important moment with your voice and then continue speaking with normal intonation: “I will specifically repeat once again how to behave correctly if your neighbor in the dacha suddenly turns out to be a lamprey.”
Watch your eyes
While you speak, look around the audience from left to right. Are you approaching a significant moment? Identify the important person and make eye contact with him. Imagine that the others do not exist, and look at one eye of the interlocutor. “The others will understand that it’s better not to interrupt you now, and they’ll definitely let you finish,” says the coach.
What to do if everything goes wrong
You got confused and forgot what you were talking about. First, immediately change your position. “Neurophysiologists say that this is one of the effective ways to get out of speech stupor.” Look at your colleagues and say: “I’ll repeat this in other words.” Now slowly and loudly reassemble the thought. Even if the result is something unexpected for you, the listeners will decide that you interrupted the reasoning on purpose. Second option. Choose a decent listener and ask: “Do you have a question?” The audience's attention will shift, which will give you time to think through your next phrase and continue your fiery speech.